“What does it look like to love my husband, daily?” A newlywed friend asked me recently. “When we were dating it was easy, but now… seems like between figuring out how to run our home and get some alone time, I have no idea how to love him anymore.” I agree with her that seeing your spouse every single day is vastly different than while you’re dating (note: most of these differences I think are attributed to the line between living together and not living together and I realize that line isn’t dating/marriage for everyone). Partially, it’s just simple math. Whereas before you only “had” to do fun, sweet things every week or so, now you see one another every day. Surely you’re not supposed to bake cookies every day! But I think it’s also related to the fact that your two lives are now so much more intertwined; issues for which you used to each have independent responsibility are now topics of conversation: “By the way, did you ever find the batteries?” “Hey, did we ever pay the dentist’s bill?” “Let’s stop and get some laundry detergent.” While dating, these topics simply didn’t make an appearance!
I think there’s one more thing. Your love changes from a mostly self-centered love (“does he make me feel good?” “do we have fun together?” “is he good to me?”) to a much more other-centered love. Questions I began asking once married are “Am I a good wife to him?” “Do I inspire him to be more fully himself?” “Do I give him enough freedom to change?” Those are much more difficult questions to ask and answer because the answer is less clear-cut. If he’s growing and changing, then what does that mean for me, and for us? How do you continue to know him so well that you can answer these kinds of questions, while continuing to run a household together? How do you keep those questions in a place of higher regard than the once about laundry, dishes, sweeping, and how we’re spending our money?
So yes, the way we love our spouses must change, and all we can do is hope that our dating/engagement lives have laid a strong foundation for that to happen. What changed for you?
The Meaning of "Wife" 
Newsome said,
January 13, 2008 at 10:52 pm
These are all very good questions. I feel that what works for one couple may not work for another which makes it difficult to give advice! I can only share my own experience.
I was surprised by how easily our lives “meshed” after moving in together. I think we allow each other to be independent while still having “one” life. By creating a relationship where we can honestly communicate our needs we’re able to love each other without smothering.
It’s true, he doesn’t bring me flowers as often and I don’t dress up or cook fabulous meals all the time anymore. But that makes it more special when he does and I do. How do we show our love now on a daily basis? We’re still very affectionate (lots of hugs and kisses) and even just sitting in the computer room together is nice; I like it when he looks over at me, smiles, and wiggles.
We show each other we love each other by making time to be together during the week and on weekends, by cooking dinner, buying groceries, doing laundry. And by telling each other.
Annie said,
January 16, 2008 at 10:17 am
Awww…You inspire me!
amycat said,
January 17, 2008 at 11:41 am
you inspire me too jane. i rarely think about how i can love david better…i’m so easily overwhelmed by all the day to day stuff and the emotions that fly between us as we sort those things out. but these are good questions…the ones i want to be asking…answering…
hljourney said,
August 18, 2010 at 9:45 am
Jane,
This is truly inspiring & opening to reveal that we are to be others-centered in marriage & I pray that I’m sharing that with my hubby.
One thing I’d like to share, is that even if your spouse isn’t making you feel loved; we are to continue (as wives) to respect our husband. We are to continue to care for & love him… win him over by our actions, not words. [not sure why I felt I had to share this… but hopefully it’ll help someone]
Thanks for your advice, questions to self daily.
Hugs & Prayers, HL
dramaqueen1913 said,
September 17, 2011 at 8:59 pm
We’ve been struggling through these questions ourselves lately–your perspective hits the spot.