The Loneliest Team Player

I think the biggest lie of marriage is the idea that you won’t be lonely anymore.  Not that I ever actually thought that – I didn’t go around saying “once I’m married, i jus tknow I won’t ever feel lonely!”  But on some level, I must’ve thought that that was the case, because now that I do feel lonely, it’s even worse because of the fact that I’m married.  Yeah, so you get to wake up together and start your day together everyday.  That doesn’t help when he thinks you’re grumpy so he won’t come within 10 feet of you; especially when what he perceives as grumpiness is in fact a profound loneliness and sadness.

These feelings also put me in a space where I look at his actions and try to figure out what they’re saying about the value he places on me – whether or not he prioritizes me.  So today, he made time to go through his whole basketball schedule with his friend, but couldn’t be bothered to tell me that he was staying at the office till 6; he made time to go get a drink, but not to answer a few simple yes/no e-mailed questions; he’s making time to play basketball tonight, but not to sit with his wife and ask “how are you doing?”; time to ride the train with his friend, but not his wife.  How can you be a team player when you can’t even talk to your teammate?  And how can a person possibly feel so lonely, when they have close, good friends; a kind husband; great coworkers; a strong church community?  It baffles me, and I feel so sad. 

A Wife Again?

I just came back last night from a much-needed vacation.  MrH and I went to Montana where we tubed, hiked, and biked (ok, so no biking, but it sounded good) to our heart’s content.  As we traveled, we made a really good team; it’s a feeling I want to hold on to.  Neither of us took stuff for granted and so we had a good understanding of what the other was thinking most of the time.  It somehow seemed easy to ask and there were fewer expectations placed on us, as well as fewer roles that I felt I somehow needed to play. 

On the plane home I felt really sad, and after some thinking about it, I realized that I’m terrified of resuming “real” life!  Scared of falling back into those roles; of nagging MrH; of making assumptions and having expectations of each other without communicating those.  The realization of all this took a while though, and during that, I just told him I felt overwhelmed by going back home.  He seemed to understand and was sweetly supportive of me.  I cried a little bit, up there in first class, but then felt better.  I think the vacation was so important to us – it took us out of that space, and now I want to stay out of it!