Fighting Fair

Apparently the two of us are so cute in how we “fight” that my best woman incorporated it into her toast at the wedding.  As we’ve gotten deeper into our own dirt, I’ve realized that having difficult, painful conversations will probably always be a part of marriage.  The rules below are actually the lessons I’m learning every time something hard comes up.  He’s got his whole own set! 

  1. Don’t expect him to read my mind
  2. If he says “I don’t know what to say”, it’s better to be quiet than to lash out at him
  3. Remember that I love him
  4. Ask God to be involved, even if I’m not sure I want Him to yet 
  5. Realize that the whole thing will be over much faster if I bring it up at 7pm, rather than waking him up at midnight
  6. We’re a team, playing together 
  7. Keep him true to addressing the root of the issue.  Tell him what the root is.
  8. Be sure we both know what we are forgiving and forgiven for 
  9. Imagine a 5-year old overhearing our conversation – how would she feel?
  10. Expect to be surprised

The Disclaimer: these are not directives for everyone else out there.  We all have our own marriages and ways of operating.  However, whenever I can remember even just a handful of the above, it helps me (and therefore us) through the most painful conversations and disputes.


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